FOH at Large

“Well, opinions are like a**holes. Everybody has one,” is a quote by Harry Callahan in the 1988 movie The Dead Pool. Another version of this quote is, “Well, opinions are like a**holes. Everybody has one and most of them stink,” and lastly the best selling author Simone Elkeles embellished the quote to read: “Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one, but they think each others’ stink.” While there are a few more versions of the same quote, I have opted to leave them out, since none of them serve to enlighten us any further than the snarky gems previously stated.

One day, in the not too distant past, I found myself wondering if I had stepped into an alternate universe. I was providing a monitor rig to the morning TV show, Live with Kelly, consisting of a microphone package — including a few wireless mics, a console, a split snake, in-ear monitors, monitor wedges and a tech to set it up and run it. Over the last 15 years, as the show morphed from being Regis and Kelly to Kelly and Michael to just Kelly, I — as an agent of S.I.R. NY — have been one of the show’s main providers of backline and audio for incoming bands that were in need of a monitor package of more than two or three mixes.

There are very few rights and wrongs regarding the sound of a live audio mix, and while there are multiple ways of arriving at a final result, the ultimate criteria for assessing said mix should be that it sounds and feels good in the space one is trying to fill. Of course, this is a challenge thate seems to be right out of the Idiot’s Guide to the Sound Universe — a real “Duh” moment — but we all know this task is easier said than done.

I have a confession to make. Like many other folks in the business of audio, I am a recovering gearaholic. While having a compulsion for collecting equipment may sound somewhat innocuous compared to other forms of addiction, I can honestly stand before you and say that the habit is real and the consequences of said craving can be severe and debilitating.

It’s finally happened. The day that always seemed so far away has arrived with not quite as much fanfare as I had imagined, but certainly with more impact than I was prepared to receive. That’s right; I turned 65 years of age and while my inevitable demise is not as imminent as my life insurance policy makes it seem, the implications — as well as the realities of my chronological calculations — have sunk in. I am old, and the beginning of my twilight years has officially commenced.

Back in the last century — when I spent a good deal of my time on the road traveling from gig to gig — we would arrive at the airport, check our luggage and gear, hand in our tickets and board the plane. If the flight were international — whether originating from the United States or some other country — we’d face the scrutiny of some austere border guard as they looked between our passport picture and us. Satisfied that we were who we said we were and that we were not transporting any fruits, vegetables or exotic animals, the guard would then approve our passage with a passport stamp and usher us through to our flight.

Many artists are imbued with an intangible quality that makes them compelling to an audience or a viewer. For that matter, many politicians, athletes and business people maintain an intangible aura that often defines their careers as well and — while they may be analyzed, criticized and ostracized for all their quirks and idiosyncrasies — they still preserve a quality that makes them persuasive and successful in their chosen profession. If we examine the strengths and weaknesses of athletes such as Muhammad Ali, Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter, we can come up with very definitive reasons for their success, but while their records might be exemplary, there is still an unlabeled intangible quality that propelled each of them to notoriety, fame and greatness.

Donald Trump is correct when says that the two party system is rigged. It is rigged, and it has been for many years, which is why — in my opinion — Hillary Clinton will be the next leader of the “free” world. The system is corrupt because it’s all about money and how best to keep the cash flowing into the hands of the oligarchy. I would venture to say that Hillary’s deal to become president was cut eight years ago when Obama was given the job. Of course, things can change, and another candidate could become the POTUS, as long as the chosen person is deemed capable of being a better moneymaker for those in charge. As far as my cynical self can tell, being elected POTUS is much like being a CEO elected to run a large corporation.

For obvious reasons, some things just don’t lend themselves to being good rental items. It’s not hard to visualize why expendable pieces such as guitar picks, drum sticks and drum heads would not be acceptable for a rental after the first use. Things such as horn reeds and harmonicas have an overt factor of “disgusting” in terms of using them as a rental. These pieces are personal items with which any given musician shares their bodily fluids. Okay, okay, don’t get overly imaginative here. I’m only referring to saliva.

A song started playing in my head while I was trying to decide upon the new gear I should purchase and which pieces of inventoried equipment I would need to sell:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em.
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealing’s done.”

—“The Gambler,” written by Don Schlitz and made famous by Kenny Rogers