I enjoy the Holiday season as much as the next guy, but quite frankly, the high cost of present-giving has left my bankbook crawling through January, and it's doubtful if it will be off crutches until March or April. Everything is just so damn expensive that, even if I do all my shopping at Target or Best Buy, my bankbook still gets its knees broken. Well, that's life, but fortunately for all of us, the big oil companies got into the Christmas spirit and, in the name of charity, raised the price of oil by only about 25 cents a gallon for the season. Tell you what. When I go visit the relatives during the holidays, it sure gets me in the spirit to top off the tank at "Bah Humbug Oil" before I leave on my journey. I guarantee that the ghosts who visited Ebenezer Scrooge will be making the rounds next year, but that's another story, and in the words of Tiny Tim Crachit, "God bless us. Every one!" If he were alive today, Charles Dickens might find his Ebenezer to be completely egalitarian compared to some of our present day Scrooges, but we who live in the 21st century realize and accept that, in the name of freedom, a few Scrooges are a necessary evil to combat the real evils that assail us. As we all know, "It's the economy, stoopid!" That said, I am going to share with you an article that I came across in the New York Daily News under the alarming headline:
"Twelve Day's Price Tag Rises To Almost 19G"
PITTSBURGH – The cost of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is on the rise — again.
Buying each item in the song just once — from a partridge in a pear tree to 12 drummers drumming — will cost you $18,920, or 3.1% more than last year, according to PNC Financial Services Group. The total cost of items gifted by a true love who repeats all of the songs verses costs more than ever before — $75,608 in 2005, a 3.5% increase.
While prices for the partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, six geese and seven swans remained the same as last year, high wages made the lords a-leaping, ladies dancing and pipers piping costlier. The maids a-milking, however, make the federal minimum wage, which has been $5.15 per hour since 1997.
Each year, the Pittsburgh-based bank does a tongue-in-cheek tally of how much the swans, geese and drummers would cost if you purchased them at today's prices.
The nine ladies dancing are the costliest items on the list again at $4,759. The seven swans a-swimming cost $4,200. And a pear tree saw the biggest jump, going from $89.99 in 2005 to $129.99 this year. The cheapest? As always, the partridge, still $15.
Cute, right? Wrong! Consider this: if you would like to hire a celebutard such as Paris Hilton to show up at an event, it would cost you $100,000–$500,000, plus a private jet to transport her valuable self to and from said event. That, and the cost of a first class hotel suite for said artist, and one realizes that in today's market, $75,000 for the "Twelve days of Christmas" almost sounds like a bargain. Dr. Phil commands $750,000– $1,000,000 to give a speech, and, believe it or not, there are apparently people who are willing to pay that price for his great pearls of wisdom. "Who are these people," you ask, "who can afford the likes of a Dr. Phil or Paris Hilton?" I'll tell you who. It's the same Scrooges who raise the price of oil during the Christmas season, or the ones who charge 30% interest on your credit card when your payment is late. Not that I blame anyone for wanting to make a buck, but what irks me is that it is the same people who frantically call me with the "Twelve Days" rider in hand and ask me to help bail them out.
"I didn't know when I booked the act that they would need sound, lights and staging," the caller might say. "I never figured production into the budget, since it was never mentioned in the song. They're asking for a 40' x 40' stage, a 120k lighting system with moving lights and a sound package with a line array system, four downstage wedges and side-fills. They also need truck and bus parking. The event is taking place next week; can you help me?"
I love a challenge almost as much as I enjoy putting together big productions, and, therefore, I have the caller send me the rider immediately. I dive into the task headfirst and put together a quote with stage, lights, sound, riggers, audio techs, stage manager, lighting director and eight stage hands all for the low price of $65,000. A fair price, considering that the production has to be set up the day before and struck the day after the event. My client calls back, apparently one nitroglycerin capsule away from a heart attack. "This is ridiculous," he sputters into the phone. "This production costs almost as much as the artist, I don't have this kind of budget, ya gotta help me out here."
"First of all," I start to scream, "I don't have to do anything for you, and you should have thought about your budget long before you decided to get into show business, you dipstick!" Though, as it always happens, the words came out of my mouth in sweet dulcet tones as I asked, "Where would you like me to cut back in my quote, sir?"
"Well, first of all, this is taking place in a hotel ballroom for only about 300 people. It's not Madison Square Garden, you know (this is a phrase I hear quite often when a client doesn't have a budget), so I just need a basic (?) sound system. Also, I just need a simple (?) lighting system, nothing too fancy (?). We can clear the chairs and tables at one end of the room so they won't need a stage, or a stage manager (?) for that matter. Regarding the stagehands and loaders, I'll be there, and I can get some guys from work to help get set up, so we can get rid of all that labor as well (???!!). Now, where's that leave us?"
"Well sir," I reply, "It appears to me that this is a fairly large production, considering that there will be all sorts of foliage, as well as swans a-swimming, geese a-laying, French hens, turtledoves, partridges, calling birds, pipers piping, drummers drumming, maids a-milking, lords a-leaping and ladies dancing, not to mention those five golden rings. In light of all this, it seems to me that you might want some professional help producing this event, but don't listen to me, it's probably better to consult with your accountant instead. Keep in mind that there is a certain order to the appearance of each of these performances, and I do assume that they need to be seen and heard properly to make this show work, but that said, if I do the show your way, who will receive the brunt of the performer's anger or the audience's rage when nobody can see or hear the show? Your accountant? Who's to blame if the lords a-leaping enter during the maids a-milking scene? Think how upsetting it might be if all the drummers start a-drumming while the geese are a-laying. No, sir, I'm sorry, but I refuse to be responsible if the show is not done correctly. Oh… and one last thing in regard to labor: At the end of the show, after all the drinking and partying is over, where might I find you and your helpers? Quite frankly, sir, I must tell you, if you don't have the budget to do this show properly, then I think I'll pass on doing the production. As a matter of fact, while we're at it, I have a feeling that the hotel bill for this entourage may come to you as quite a shock. Trust me when I tell you that I realize inflation is tough on everyone, but now you'll have to excuse me, as I need to take some real work so that I can fill my gas tank and pay my credit card bills."
