I spend my days taking requests for a variety of equipment. From audio and lights to backline, tents, video and anything else pertaining to production; the requests keep coming in. All too often, these requests come from people who are not necessarily in our field and, therefore, certain requests employ malapropisms, misnomers, misspellings and just plain typos.
As it is, those of us taking equipment and production requests are giddy enough just from dealing with a multitude of people on a daily basis and trying to interpret and fulfill their needs. Therefore, small distractions are a welcome relief and the anomalous request becomes a great source of amusement. For example; "Load in is at 1 p.m. and brake down is at 5 p.m.," or, "I expect that your techs will require a daily perdium." Now, if you do not appreciate the comedy in either of these examples, please write on the blackboard, 100 times, "I will get my GED."
Even seemingly-correct statements can set my feverish imagination in motion and, while I don't need to add more confusion to an already perplexing world, there are many times I long for the release. Take, for example, the woman who sent me a short, terse sentence – "The guitar tuner you sent won't work!" "And…?" I thought. My first inclination was to respond, "My piano tuner is willing to work, should I send him?" Okay, I refrained from being a sarcastic a-hole and responded in a professional manner, but I started to think how linguistically colorful our world of production can be and, with the help from a few of my compatriots, we started to bat about a number of ideas for a fantasy based upon these malapropisms, misnomers, typos and misspellings and managed to come up with some of our own silliness.
Things were not well in the land of Ashdown as the coffers were empty due to some real Bad Cats who had Gained Control of the Structure and stole all the riches. Fender, once known as the Steel King of Ashdown, had led his people well for many years, but soon felt the scorn of his citizens as they nicknamed him "The Steal King." King Fender called in his comptroller "Mitty." "Mitt," he said, "We have problems. The coffers are empty and, quite frankly, we cannot just sit around on our Cajons while our land goes into a recession. What can we do?" Mitty the comptroller thought a moment, and then told the Steel King, "Let me interface with the Fifth Prophet in our kingdom and, possibly together, we will have an Epifani that will give us a plan on which to bass our future."
During Comptroller Mitty's interface with the Fifth Prophet, The Roland Fantom sent a signal to the Prophet five with the help of Mitty. After his interface with The Roland Fantom and the Prophet 5, Mitty came back and told the Steel King, "It was the infamous King Midas of Avalon who sent his electrical charges to empty our coffers, and for the sake of our kingdom, we must travel to Avalon, 737 miles from here, to retrieve our treasure and restore stability to our market." "So be it," cried the Steel King. "Bring to me the only man who can get the job done. Bring to me Captain Trace Elliot."
Captain Trace Elliot, a much-loved national hero, was brought before the Steel King and informed of his mission to recover the stolen Drums of Pearls from King Midas. "I have also been told," said the Steel King, "that if you are able, you must gain access to the Meinls of King Midas, as he is rich with treasure. Some say that there is Goldtop in those Meinls." "I will make you proud," replied Captain Trace Elliot. "I will take with me from the land of Moog, Admiral Mike the Moog Voyager, and together, with our fearsome army of Mini Brutes from Polytone, we will restore the wealth of our land."
The Valiant Captain Trace Elliot and the brave Admiral Mike, with their Passports in hand, granted to them by King Fender, drove their Hot Rod Devilles down King Fender's Rhoades, along Route 88, across route 73, until they reached the docks, where they boarded the fierce fighting ship, the Galleon Kruger. As was the Kustom, the Galleon Kruger was outfitted with 40 of the newest XLR Cannons which, when Triggered by an internal Drum, fired Ernie Balls with a force and accuracy unheard of before.
The brave army set sail and endured a long and hazardous journey across the C of keys as they battled huge Stingrays and Octopads while riding the Waves and sailing around the Rack of Gibraltar. The old Sunn beat down on them unrelentingly and, even though the men lathered on their SPX 2000, they still got burned. Other than the bounty of the sea, which was caught by the Fishman, Captain Trace Elliot kept the Feeder Cable and the food Distributor under Camlock and key. To fight off scurvy, the men ate Amps from Orange and Barcus Berrys and, despite their hardships, they finally they arrived, just East of Eden, upon the Avalon Shure, 58 days after they set sail from the land of Ashdown.
The Galleon Kruger was a Soundcraft and, proudly flying the Line Array, she floated in on an Eventide during an Eclipse of the Sunn. Captain Trace Elliot and The Admiral dropped the Anchor Wood Podium and lowered the Guitar Boats. Armed with a Shotgun, Mike and the Captain headed for Shure with their army of Mini Brutes, just as the Rane began to fall. It was a strange land; in the distance they could see the Leprecon Lights and, as they made their Crossover, they passed through the Gates of Noise and heard a huge Atlas Boom. The boom released the dreaded invisible "High Espiel," an indiscernible monster of great strength that began to crush the two adventurers. Just as the High Espiel began to overcome Mike and the Captain, they stepped out from the Gates of Noise and, as they did, the threshold closed behind them, trapping the "High Espiel" inside and compressing him so dynamically that he actually disappeared.
"This may be our Ultimate Stand," said the Captain to the Admiral. "Not if we use our Power Distro," said Mike. "We will set up camp, and it will be our Precision base." Just then, they were set upon by a flock of fearsome Gretsch Falcons, which they managed to overpower and put an Endian to with DaBomb. The ground started writhing with the terrifying Split Snakes, and from the depths of Heil, the dreaded Sub Snakes arose. The 1,000 Pioneers fought valiantly and finally defeated the Snakes by driving their mighty Ampegs through the Snake Heads. The Mini Brutes then released their formidable and hungry Minotaur Wedges, who were so thrilled to get their Feed Back that they devoured the Snakes one and all.
The Rane had ceased, and King Midas appeared wearing his Crown 311. "I have no more army to fight you with," he said, "Please do not raid my Meinls and take the Drums of Pearl and my 1,957 Goldtops. If you leave me be, I will give to you my daughters." He presented his beautiful California Blond and SWR Redhead. The California Blond was wearing a stunning High Hat and had quite the Rack mount. The SWR Redhead also had a nice Profile, but best of all she wore only a Slinky G String which exposed her Big Muff.
Midas' third daughter, Leslie, looked good in her Double Kick Peds, but seemed a bit dizzy and definitely in need of a good Organ. His fourth daughter Aphex, her entrance delayed by milliseconds, came and stood next to her sisters and seemed to have the most effect on Mike and Trace. Aphex's reputation was well known and, even in their kingdom of Ashdown, the two travelers had heard of "Aphex the Aural Exciter." "Take them all," King Midas pleaded. "They will serve you well, as they have multiple Inserts and will give good Handsonics and Drum Head."
"That's a bit Graphic, and I could give 31 reasons why we cannot be swayed by your daughter's charms," said Trace Elliot, "but first and foremost we have the Fender Twins, with their double 12s, awaiting our arrival home. Now let us go to your Meinls and take our treasure." While they were talking, a crowd of 500 people had gathered, and Midas asked the Captain to address them and let them know the situation. "I have Mike to speak to your five hundred people," replied the Captain. "Mike the speaker?" asked Midas. "Of course, Mike the speaker for 500 people," replied Trace Elliot; and so he did.
Even though Midas hailed from a fine Heritage, the two Explorers looted the Meinls and once again made the crossover to their home Shures and into the arms of their Fender Twins. King Fender was so pleased with the Explorers that he gave a feast in honor of the heroes, where they all dined on tasty Cheeseboroughs and fried Cabasa, with plenty of Shoeps with which to wash it all down. Other than the few trips to the Mid Range to take a Peavey or a Leko, both Mike and Trace Elliot partied the whole night through with the Fender Twins.
