Call me archaic, but I actually find the English language to be a great way to express ones thoughts, regardless of intent or purpose. From relaying simple instructions in concise terms to loquaciously waxing poetic, the English language, when used properly, is capable of conveying thought and feeling with nuance and elegance. This does not mean that we need to roll our "R's" or speak in Shakespearean English, but as intelligent people we must find a middle ground between "Wherefore art thou?" and "Where you at?" Starting with the president of the United States on down, spoken English has become a lost art or, at the very least, simply modified to the lowest common denominator. If language is a sign of intelligence, then the converse must be true, and the failure to speak properly must be a sign of a lesser intelligence. While we all know that this is not necessarily an accurate assessment of intelligent life, it has been proven in many surveys that better spoken people are viewed as more capable and intelligent than those who are linguistically challenged. Over the years, the vernacular of the English language has been changed by the advent of new terminology with which to explain new technology and new phenomena. Words and phrases such as "ring tone," "IMing," "download" and "Googling" are recent additions to the colloquial English that we all speak. Older idiomatic expressions such as "cool it" have been replaced by the updated "chill out," and phrases such as "groovy" and "far out" are so archaic that one might as well say "swell." The word "ain't" was added to the dictionary, but in my 1980 Random House College Dictionary, the word is accompanied by a proviso that states, "Ain't is so traditionally and widely regarded as a nonstandard form that it should be shunned by all who prefer to avoid being considered illiterate," or, in layman's terms, "Use at your own risk."
The reason I bring all this to your attention is that, in our business, it is not enough just to be a technical wizard who can only speak "Audiophile" and "hip" musical slang. Since we are constantly dealing with people and clients who speak a more formalized English, it is a good assumption that, to succeed in this business as a touring or regional engineer, one should have a better command of the language than street slang. Unfortunately, advertisers, movies and television, in their attempt to reach certain markets, rely on specific phrases and words that only promote the improper syntax and idioms that, as Random House describes, "should be shunned by all who prefer to avoid being considered illiterate."
Giving the wrong impression to those around us would be most unfortunate since the majority of audio technicians I know are intelligent, capable human beings who read manuals and operate rather complex technology. These same technicians, when need be, are usually quite quick with a euphemism such as, "My monitor engineer is a piece of work," or "The lead singer is something else." Thus, knowing that said engineers are capable of turning such a droll phase, it always galls me when a good majority of their speech is peppered with the "F" word. The English language contains such a plethora of words to choose from that it is almost criminal to rely on one word to describe every subtlety of emotion and spirit, but nonetheless, we do it anyway. "Hey Vinnie the f-ing console doesn't f-ing work, and now we're all FCT." Of course, a sentence such as this one should only be shouted across the room at the fanciest of corporate events in order to have the optimum effect.
I spend hours on the phone each day with prospective clients trying to discern what equipment and labor they need to make their events successful. Anyone who does the same knows how tedious and frustrating it can be when a would-be client requests, "Just a basic sound system for a small band," or "a microphone for 500 people." These are the clients who need their hands held from start to finish, and they are also the same clients who have serious budgets to which they need to adhere. As it turns out, I am the one who spends long, agonizing hours deciphering what they mean and what they are trying to accomplish. I perform this task of building an order while utilizing my mediocre command of the English language. I am confident that I know what needs to be done, and I am certain that I can communicate the process to the client. Therefore, when an engineer decides to bring an overabundance of extra gear to an event, it defeats the purpose of what I do and only makes the job harder for said engineer. While I do recognize the importance of having a few pieces of gear as backup when one is in the field, the idea is to not only provide a client with what they need, but also with what they can afford, and if they can only fly coach, why should I upgrade them to first class? Remember, I also have to figure in the hourly cost of labor, as well as a fair price for the equipment and trucking, as this is how the company and engineer make the most of their time.
When I once questioned an engineer as to why he had taken so much more equipment to a gig than was needed — or ordered — he replied that it looked good to all involved if he was able to pull pieces of gear out of his ass when the client started to request more and more. As much as I understood and appreciated his illustrative metaphor, I took issue with not only how he was transporting the gear, but the fact that he thought it was OK to give it away. It was a large corporate event, and I realized that he wanted to look good for the client and also make the company shine. After all, nothing sells a company better than a job well done.
As it turned out, the client was a very distinguished and educated woman who had started the company and created its success. She was a very hands-on CEO and became overwhelmed at the amount of gear being brought into the event. She politely questioned the engineer regarding the amount of equipment, and he affably responded with his brilliant metaphor, except now that he was in the heat of it, he decided to ramp it up a notch just to drive home the point. "It may seem like a lot," he said, "but I just like to pull the f-ing sh*t out of my ass if I need it."
Of course, Vinnie didn't realize that he was painting a mental picture for the client, or that she would spend the best part of the following four hours trying to escape the haunting image by drowning herself in a sea of vodka. Unaware of his horrific metaphor, he compounded his gaff by telling her not to worry, as he had the perfect place to store the dead and unused cases. Unfortunately, at this point, knowing the place from which he was pulling the equipment, there was no way for her to know that he was speaking about the truck as a storage space and that the "perfect place to store the dead and unused cases" was not just a euphemism he was using to complement his brilliant metaphor.
As a salesman, I am quite clear with a client as to what might be needed for each particular show, and while I want every event to be great, I also do not want to second guess the client. I do my best to understand their needs and to provide them with a compatible system for their event, but it's not my job to bring a second console and a split snake plus four more monitor mixes just because I think it is better than what the client ordered. If I seriously doubt that a show will work with the requested equipment, then I will just not book the show. While I do want every event to be a success, I do not think that I want my engineers to figuratively or literally pull large amounts of gear out of their asses to make the events work; nor do I want them speaking to the clients in monosyllabic four-letter words in order to explain their actions. As far as I'm concerned, both of these acts "should be shunned by all who prefer to avoid being considered illiterate."
