While cold jelly and custard may be every nineteenth century orphan’s dream of escape from gruel, this verse is precisely the reason hospitality riders were written into contracts. Being on the road itself is a grueling affair, and for the most part, there is not a large variety of highway food to choose from as the bus travels from town to town. Even airports, while offering a bit more variety in their dining experience, can only provide a limited fare. Therefore it becomes a major source of stress when, after traveling throughout the night, one arrives at a venue with the anticipation of working a long hard day and learns that there is no food to munch on save for a few left over saveloys. Hey, I like a good saveloy as much as the next guy, but exotic cuisine to some is just plain disgusting to others, which is exactly why we have hospitality riders. Now, there is no arguing that audio equipment is important for all the gigs we may do, but if you’ve ever worked with a hungry crew I’m sure you’ll agree with the sentiment, “equipment be damned, where’s the food, dude!” A well-fed crew is a happy crew, and I’m not sure why, but other than major tours, most promoters deal with the crew hospitality as an afterthought, if at all.
On tour I think that one of the more pleasurable moments in the day is when, after driving through the night, the bus pulls up to the shed du jour and, bleary-eyed and cotton–mouthed, one wanders into the hospitality tent to grab their first cup of fresh coffee with a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. Or, if one rather, a bowl of Cheerios and orange juice, or maybe waffles with sausage and syrup. Regardless, if the caterer is good, the day starts off with a bang and everybody’s in a good mood. Obviously, a smart promoter will make sure that lunch and dinner follow suit, and if he’s really thinking ahead, a few pizzas or sandwiches on the bus for the long ride into the night seals the deal.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few promoters who take care of hospitality in the same way that many club owners view the sound system in their clubs — as an afterthought. That’s right, just design and build that beautiful club so that people can have a wonderful environment to see and hear their favorite band, but wait until the last minute — when the budget is spent — to install the sound system.
Yup, hire the best sound company, the best lighting company, get the best stage and hire the best crew and when they show up at six in the morning to work tell them that coffee and doughnuts are on the way. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with coffee and doughnuts, but don’t make the crew start working while they wait two hours for some grunt to procure a few jelly doughnuts and a box of coffee. Not only does it set the mood for the rest of the day, but it also leads to some guys wandering off in search of their own sustenance, which is certainly not an expeditious way to get the show rolling.
Pizza is an acceptable lunch, but since it is so easy to get a few pies for the crew, it’s a somewhat common meal and it is always a nice gesture when the promoter asks before ordering. Not that a crew is ungrateful for pizza, but there is only so much cheese a man can eat in a week before his arteries clog and he goes into cardiac arrest. Sometimes it’s nice to have a change and maybe slip in a turkey sandwich and a salad just to give the heart a chance to start pumping again. After all, it’s never good for business or the event if members of the crew start dropping dead while setting up or striking the show.
Water and Gatorade should be a round-the-clock staple since this can be sweaty, electrolyte-losing work. Let’s remember that a happy crew is a hydrated crew. Dehydration leads to delirium, and the last thing anyone needs is a dehydrated monitor engineer, or a dehydrated rigger, for that matter. But hydration aside, the main thing we all run on is caffeine and sugar. Oh yeah, round the clock coffee, caffeinated soda or tea, and plenty of dessert and candy. Energy drinks are great since they combine both the sugar and caffeine, but if the budget is lacking, then health be damned, and the best bang for the buck would be just leaving a big bowl of sugar and a large pot of coffee for the crew. Hell, a bowl of methamphetamine would really get the crew moving, as well as treating their ADHD, but it’s illegal, so to avoid everyone ending up in the hoosegow, just make sure that there are copious amounts of sugar and coffee.
In this business, the crew is made up of hefty guys expending huge amounts of energy by moving a lot of large gear and in constant need of sturdy, filling foods to keep them in motion. I once worked at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York with a promoter who forgot to bring in the mandatory morning coffee and doughnuts. I reminded her that since it was a union crew it would be a good idea to get them their morning fix…. pronto! I thought that she would do what most promoters do and run down to Dunkin’ Donuts, but no, she was too classy for that, and instead, ordered through the hotel. Don’t get me wrong — the coffee was great and the little pastries were delightful, but seeing a six foot tall, 250-pound guy trying to rig a lighting truss while sipping coffee daintily from a porcelain cup and wolfing down multiple miniature pastries somehow reminded me of the ballet dancing hippos in Walt Disney’s Fantasia.
Faux pas aside, food is good and a fed crew is a happy crew. So, as you’re filing down the miles of isles at the current AES, checking out the latest and greatest digital something or other, or tuning into the finer frequencies of the newest equalizer while marveling at the ingenious mechanical workings of an innovative line array, remember this; as great as any of this new gear may be, it is still all about the food. Calm down, I know all you gear heads are disagreeing, but just for a moment forget about all those plug-ins and on board effects. What would be really impressive is if a manufacturer could build a digital console that would double as an espresso and pastry maker. Hey, maybe it could just be another plug-in.
